Friday, January 23, 2009

Incoherent thoughts

Words can’t even begin to express my thoughts and feelings at the moment. Through a lot of effort and turmoil I finally know my son is alive. I’ve found him. At least I'm 99.9% sure it's him. I know his name and I’ve seen pictures, I have sat and stared at those pictures with a mixture of so much relief and yet pangs of agony. For so many years even the knowledge that he was alive and well was asking too much. Relief because he appears healthy and happy and over the period of a few minutes I was able to find out more about him than I’ve known for over 18 years. From what little I can garner about his life he appears to have a good one. He seems healthy and well-adjusted, and although that makes me so amazingly happy, it’s also a bitter pill to swallow. Does that mean that he was better off without me? I’d like to think not, that he has had a good life so far and was raised by wonderful parents, but that it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have been a good mother to him all the same.

I haven’t contacted him, and probably won’t, at least not for a long while. He’s only 18 years old and I haven’t a clue what is going on in his life. After 18 and a half years of not even knowing if he was dead or alive I’m not willing to jeopardize a relationship with him by imposing in his life at a time when I’m unwelcome or unwanted. It’s heartbreaking that as the person who brought him into this world, having done what I believed/was told was best for him, and having loved him every day since that I have to worry about that, but I do. However, I know his name, I know where he grew up, and I can look at his face and wonder if he resembles me, things I didn’t know and wasn’t able to do until last week, but most importantly, I know that he’s alive! What sweet relief!

9 comments:

andrea said...

wow. i wish you the best with a difficult situation.

Heather said...

Desi! Oh my word! What an exciting and emotional moment.

I'm sorry it's all so hard.

Cheryl said...

Oh, Desi! This is wonderful news. What sweet relief, indeed! Of course it's bittersweet, but knowing he's alive and happy has got to be the best news possible(better than dead and miserable, right?). What a tough situation, though...
(((Hugs)))

Amanda D said...

That's exciting to have some knowledge of him. Hugs for this emotional time.

Karla said...

Desi, I am so happy that you have a little more peace with this.My heart has hurt for you as I have read some of your blogs and I have prayed that I never added more pain to your life. I love you so much...as do my children!! Give me a call sometime when you are wanting to talk. I will share with you what happened when Chelsea's "first Mom" contacted her. I truly believe there is a time and place for that..it is just figuring out the timing. Love you tons and tons.

andrew's mom said...

That is so great that you were able to track him down. How were you able to find him? I think he would be happy to get the chance to know you-I know I will be happy for Andrew to have the chance to get to know Megan. Congrats!

Jen'n'Jordan said...

I'm so happy you could track him down! I'm sure this is all bittersweet for you; you are so courageous, and I wish you the best!

lisamarie said...

Hi Desi - I'm very happy for you to have reached yet another major step with this and hope that the road will continue! You are so amazing and when the time is right, I'm sure you'll know.

Kristin said...

I didn't know you had placed a baby for adoption. I'll have to read some of your previous blogs to get more of the story. I actually wish we had contact with Baylie's birthmom. Her mom wanted a closed adoption. I think maybe it's easier for me that way, but someday when Baylie has questions about her birth family or wants to know why she has blue eyes or wants to know how tall her birth father was, I would love for her to have someone to turn to. I think it will be especially hard for her to know she has 7 siblings being raised together. I hope that once you do make contact, you'll find that it will go well and both you and your son will be blessed for this added relationship.