Incoherent thoughts

Words can’t even begin to express my thoughts and feelings at the moment. Through a lot of effort and turmoil I finally know my son is alive. I’ve found him. At least I'm 99.9% sure it's him. I know his name and I’ve seen pictures, I have sat and stared at those pictures with a mixture of so much relief and yet pangs of agony. For so many years even the knowledge that he was alive and well was asking too much. Relief because he appears healthy and happy and over the period of a few minutes I was able to find out more about him than I’ve known for over 18 years. From what little I can garner about his life he appears to have a good one. He seems healthy and well-adjusted, and although that makes me so amazingly happy, it’s also a bitter pill to swallow. Does that mean that he was better off without me? I’d like to think not, that he has had a good life so far and was raised by wonderful parents, but that it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have been a good mother to him all the same.

I haven’t contacted him, and probably won’t, at least not for a long while. He’s only 18 years old and I haven’t a clue what is going on in his life. After 18 and a half years of not even knowing if he was dead or alive I’m not willing to jeopardize a relationship with him by imposing in his life at a time when I’m unwelcome or unwanted. It’s heartbreaking that as the person who brought him into this world, having done what I believed/was told was best for him, and having loved him every day since that I have to worry about that, but I do. However, I know his name, I know where he grew up, and I can look at his face and wonder if he resembles me, things I didn’t know and wasn’t able to do until last week, but most importantly, I know that he’s alive! What sweet relief!

Devyn Malaya

I feel like such a neglectful mother since I haven’t posted anything about Devyn’s 1st birthday and that was over a month and a half ago now. So, to make up for it I’m going to give you a little glimpse of her.

• Devyn is extremely obstinate. When told “no” she will look at you, wrinkle her brow and then go right back to what she was doing in the first place. Sometimes she will ball up her fists and let out a very unapproving shriek before going back to whatever she wasn’t supposed to be doing in the first place. She never takes no for an answer. You always have to physically remove her from the situation. Sometimes when she gets really upset she does what DH refers to as the “angry penguin.” She stomp/waddles away while wailing to show her utter disgust. She will also do this while giggling with delight when she is really happy, so I guess it could also be called the happy pengiun too.
  
• Going right along with her obstinance is her determination. She doesn’t let anything deter her when she has her mind set on something. This has the potential to be an amazing gift throughout her life if it doesn’t drive us crazy first!
  
• When caught getting into something she knows she shouldn’t she immediately offers whatever it is to you seeming to say “here, I was only getting it for you.”
  
• She is our dancing queen! (So of course I have to sing the ABBA song to her often:) Anytime any music comes on, and it can be for literally 5 seconds on a commercial or something, she will start to shimmy her shoulders. She has been doing this for months now and it would be hilarious because you could be flipping through channels on TV and if there was music in that two seconds before the channel changed again she would start to shimmy and then look around for the source of her entertainment. She also loves to sing. She usually only sings to ballads however, fast songs are for dancing and slow songs are for singing. She has been loving all of the recent Christmas music. She will just croon way in the back seat of the car, but usually stops if you look at her, it’s adorable.


• She lights up whenever Ari enters the room. An enormous grin will spread across her face and she’ll look at me like “is it really her mom?” She loves her big sister and definitely lets it show.


• She loves Dante, loves to terrorize him, but is also just a tiny bit afraid of him when he’s walking toward her. Like she does with Ari, only not quite so much, she smiles whenever he enters a room. She loves to pet him, although usually it’s more like pounding on him. He always just looks away seeming to say “if I don’t look at her maybe she will go away.” But, when faced with an oncoming Dante in the narrow hallway she sometimes gets a look of “what do I do now” on her face and tries to head in any other direction so as not to get knocked down, which she often is by him.


• All things worth eating must stick to her finger! Every time we put some type of new food on her high chair tray she must try poking it with her finger to see if it will stick. She will usually try with one type of food a few different times before she gives up and just continues to eat picking it up. She will again try again the next time she has said food, just in case it’s sticking properties have changed in the last week or two. This all started when we had some gnocchi. When going to pick up a piece it ended up sticking to her finger and from then on she was hooked. She finished the evening eating only what would stick to her finger and has continued this tradition of trying ever since.


• She loves to share! She will even share her bottle or food from her mouth, which is saying something since she is a very food driven child.

Here are a few of her more recent accomplishments (the videos are really dark, but you get the picture):

folding her arms...

and blowing kisses.

And of course the obligatory pictures :) I made this cake to match the caterpillar she got (see in the above picture). We call this the "snow bunny" outfit.

Listening Preferences

My first real job upon graduating from college was as a marketing coordinator for a small non-profit. One of my responsibilities was to purchase all the advertising for our events.

One day I was at one of the local radio station offices talking to the sales rep about the target markets of the three different stations run out of this office. We were discussing the demographic of who was listening so I could decide how much and where to advertise. Many of our events were targeted to young families, so obviously I wanted to concentrate my small advertising budget on the stations they most listened to. During the course of this conversation he mentioned the station that was my station of choice in the area and said that their demographic was too young for what I was looking for. He said almost like clockwork people changed their listening preferences starting at about 27 years old and no longer listened to this station. He and I had worked together on a number of projects so I felt comfortable in retorting that I was 28, a parent and I still listened to this station. He laughed and said, “That will change, mark my words. You will change the type of music you listen to within the next few years.”

I contemplated this conversation wondering if he was right and if I would soon move on to a station with a much more mature listening audience. Eight years later I can now say that he was only partially correct. For better or for worse the stations I listen to depend upon who is around when I’m in the car. I don’t listen to the actual lyrics most of the time. It could be one of my most favorite songs and I couldn’t tell you half of what it was actually saying. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I am. Even if I know the general message of the song I tend to overlook inappropriate lyrics and such. Back when I was 27 and had a very young daughter I didn’t think too much about what I was listening too. I think it was when she was 4 or 5 and she knew all the words to a Nelly song by heart that I determined it was time to monitor what was entering her little brain. Now that she is 10 years old and she very definitely listens to the lyrics I tend to be a lot more careful of what is playing on the radio. I still listen to those stations that the sales rep said I wouldn’t listen to anymore; I just do it when I’m by myself in the car. Country is one of my stations of choice when the kids are with me because the lyrics don’t tend to be as bad.

So What - Pink
I was listening to and thoroughly enjoying this Pink song the other day and wondering if I was too old to be listening to that type of music anymore, which reminded me of this conversation. So, how about you? Did you like clockwork migrate to a more mature station at 27 years old? Have you changed your listening preferences over the years and if so how come?

when you care enough to hit send

someecards.com


Totally inappropriate and not very politically correct cards, but some of them are hilarious. Enter the site at your own risk however; some of them are pretty crass.

Way more than you ever wanted to know about me!

Ok, it's been forever since I posted anything and since National Adoption month is long over I'm going to finally do the tags that people tagged me for months ago. Oops!

Nicole tagged me with the following list:

I am: A wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter
I think: I’m a good person at heart
Everything in life: Happens for a Reason
I want: To make a difference in someone’s life
I have: More than probably 90% of the world, but why does it seem like I never have enough.
I dislike: When people judge others without having walked in their shoes
I miss: My best friend Nicole, who lives too far away, and getting to go home for Christmas
I fear: For the future and of what the world will become for my children.
I feel: Worn down from life right now.
I hear: The hum of my space heater keeping my toes warm. Maybe I should stop wearing sandals until Spring.
I smell: My Gardenia hand lotion that I just put on.
I crave: Good friendship because I don’t have any really good friends here.
I cry: a lot more since becoming a parent
I search: For my sense of self
I wonder: If my son will ever want to meet me.
I regret: Trying to be who others want me to be.
I wish: I could see what God sees in me
I love: My Family
I care: Too much for my own good sometimes.
I always: Try to be caring and understanding
I am not: An organized person, although I wish I were.
I remember: How easy and carefree it was to be a child and I wish it could be like that now.
I believe: My husband loves me
I sing: Only when I know no one can hear me.
I don't always: Make the best use of my time
I argue: Rarely, I don’t like contention.
I write: To work things out in my head
I win: Never…if I didn’t have bad luck I’d have no luck at all
I lose: My temper too easily.
I listen: To literally almost any kind of music. R&B, check. Country, check. Showtunes, check. Hip Hop, check. 80s, check. 90s, check. Top 40, check. Classical, check…and on and on it goes.
I don't understand: Why everyone can’t just get along.
I can usually be found: At work or at home.
I need to: Learn to like myself.
I forget: To enjoy the little things in life because I’m so worried about the squeaky wheels (like bills to pay)
I am happy: When either one of my girls’ gives me a great big hug.

Heather tagged me with the 8 things tag and Tina tagged me with the 6 things tag so I combined the two and if I could think of 8 I put 8 , if I could only think of 6 then I put 6. You get the picture.

6 TV shows I watch
My Name is Earl (one of the best shows ever although probably a little crude for a lot of people)
Desperate Housewives
The Biggest Loser
All of the CSIs (but only when I happen to catch them on)
Lost
So You Think You Can Dance

8 Favorite Restaurants
Cheesecake Factory
Red Robin
Costa Vida (unfortunately we don’t have one here)
Panera
On The Border
Thai Nakorn
California Pizza Kitchen
Texas Roadhouse

6 things that happened yesterday
I actually made it to work on time which is a feat in and of itself for me
I talked to Nicole on the phone which I haven’t done in a long time
I made grilled chicken salads for dinner and Devyn loved the veggies in the salad more than the chicken :)
Devyn walked around terrorizing the house and Dante (but that’s nothing new)
Ari and I watched the end of some Christmas show on TV
I stayed up too late and now I’m tired today

8 things I look forward to
Christmas
Having the extra time at home with my husband and my girls for the Holidays
Going on dates with my husband
Payday
Moving back closer to family and friends (although maybe this should be on my wish list)
All the great movies that come out around Christmas


6 things on my wish list
Meeting my son
Being a stay-at-home mom
Quitting my job (although it's a really good one so I can't complain)
DH getting into (and then finishing) PA school
Buying a house
Becoming independently wealthy so we could travel the world doing humanitarian projects

Then Heather also tagged me with 6 Quirky Facts about me and Sue tagged me with 7 Random facts about me so I have combined them because they are kind of the same.

Quirky Tag Rules:
1. List person (s) who tagged you
2. Mention rules on your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular Quirks of yours
4. Tag 6 fellow bloggers

1. Heather, I couldn’t disagree with you more…the toilet paper has to be coming from on top of the roll, not under. You have it all wrong!

2. This one Heather got right…I do not like leftovers, with very few exceptions. Although my husband has gotten me out of this one a little bit because he made me feel guilty for wasting food. That’s what happens when you marry someone who has lived in third world countries.

3. I will not touch a public bathroom door handle. I will open the door with a paper towel and then hold it open with my foot and use my insanely good basketball skills (ha ha ha) to lob it into the garbage can, wherever that might be.

4. I’m an insanely picky eater. I could probably share dozens of examples, but these are just a couple of examples. I will not eat any pressed meat…no chicken nuggets, no hot dogs, no sausages…none of it! I also pick the little white things out of the eggs before I cook them and won’t eat eggs that others have made because I'm sure they haven't done this because they aren't as anal as me.

5. One of my life goals is to climb the Tetons and ever since I mentioned that to my professional mountain guiding husband it has now become one of his goals for me as well :)

6. My dream when I was younger was to become a fighter pilot for the Navy and fly this little beauty. I even started college as an engineering major, but that only lasted for about a year and a half before I changed my major. I'm glad now though, who would want to spend all that time away from their family. I would still love to get my pilots license though.

7. I love shoes! Heels are my favorite, the taller the better since I like to pretend I'm not short. Although at 5'4" DH likes to remind me that I'm not short but average to which my reply is why settle for average?


Wow, I almost hate to post this one because those first few makes me sound a little crazy!

I tag everyone who reads my blog so I know I’m not the only crazy person out there. If you don’t have a blog of your own, feel free to just post your answers in the comments :)

National Adoption Month

You may or may not know that November is National Adoption Month. What I find a little interesting is the way I’ve seen it being promoted. I read a lot of blogs that have to do with adoption, some from all sides of the triad, because so much of who I have become has been shaped by being a first mom. Most of what I have read concerning National Adoption Month has been from adoptive families who are promoting adoption, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but in a way that I don’t either see as 100% ethical or what the month was intended for.

National Adoption month was created in 1976 in Massachusetts as an Adoption Week because there were so many children in foster care that needed permanent loving homes that they wanted to highlight the situation. That same year President Gerald Ford decided to make a National Adoption Week to highlight the same problem nationwide, which then turned into National Adoption Month in 1990.

Let’s face it, you don’t need to encourage adoptive families to adopt healthy infants in this country…there’s a line out the door and down the street of willing families ready and able to adopt and love any healthy infant placed for adoption in this country. I think it’s a shame that the true intent of this month is being overshadowed because there are hundreds of thousands of children right now as I type that don’t have a place to call home. They don’t have a family that they can turn to and know that they have someone to be there for them when the chips are down and that’s what this month is all about.

On the government child welfare website it states:

November is National Adoption Month, a month set aside to raise awareness about the adoption of children and youth from foster care. This year's theme of adopting teens from foster care builds on the Ad Council's new public service announcement (PSA) campaign of the Children's Bureau, the Adoption Exchange Association, and The Collaboration to AdoptUsKids.

Go here to find out more about it.

Just an FYI: If we had a big house and I could convince my husband I would definitely be adopting older children from foster care. I believe every child deserves to have a family that loves them unconditionally. I'd also like to adopt from Haiti for the same reason and to get children out of the Hell that they live there, but DH has been to Haiti and said that if it means he has to ever go back that won't be happening!(I’ll continue to work on my husband *wink, wink* so one day if we get a big enough house we’ll fill it with kids too :)

Don't you wish you worked with me?

My birthday is next week. When I arrived at work on Monday morning this email was in my inbox (in a beautifully scripted text that I can't get to come through on blogger):

Dearest Desiree,

If you are not yet spoken for, your devoted co-workers ardently wish to dine with you in the luncheon hour of Wednesday next, the nineteenth day of November, at the eating establishment of your choice, to commemorate the approaching anniversary of your celebrated nativity.

Respondez s’il vous plait regarding your availability on the date in question. We await, tremulously and with bated breath, the desired response.

Fondly and Ever Yours,
The Collective Researchers of UC Davis

Of course I couldn't respond with just a simple yes so the following was my reply:

Dear Collective Researchers of UC Davis,

I would be honored to indulge in culinary delights in the presence of such great women. I am pleased to accept your invitation for the nineteenth day of November and look forward to an hour of feasting and heartfelt conversation.

With sincerest appreciation,
Desi

And finally, the invitation to the office:

Dear C.R. of UCD (sadly lacking our studious friend Flora),

Your presence is requested at the nearby Applebee’s Restaurant between noon and 12:10 pm tomorrow, or as soon thereafter as you may happen to arrive. None would be turned away from these festivities for some mere shift of schedule or trick of timing that may prevent absolute punctuality – six chairs shall be reserved for six hale and hearty comrades well met.

-agd

Although I'm not overly thrilled about having a birthday, not because I care that I'm turning 35, but because I thought I would be at a different place in my life by 35, it was a wonderful time and a very thoughtful gesture.

Now I just need to come up with a thank you as well thought out as the invitation. :)