Thursday, April 30, 2009

Mother's Day is coming up

….it’s a day to (rightfully so) let our mother’s know what a wonderful influence they’ve been in our lives, it’s also a day that for the approximately 6 million birthmothers in the US alone, represents what might have been or what should have been or just reemphasizes a loss like no one who has not been through it can understand. It a day to remember just how “brushed aside” you really are.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughters and Mother’s Day has definitely gotten easier since Ari was born, but that loss that my heart has felt ever since the day I walked out of that hospital without my son will never fully go away. For eight years (well nine really since I was seven and a half months pregnant with my son when Mother’s Day came around that year and certainly no one was congratulating me or wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day that year, even though I had not even decided to place my son at that point) that day was a very painful reminder that I was not a mother, and in the years since Ari was born it’s still a reminder that my heart knows there is something missing that can never be replaced.

I read this poem on a fellow birthmother’s blog today and it fit so well that I thought I’d share:

Heart Of Mine

I listened to you, Heart of Mine
For nine months of the year
I called you Little Sweetheart
Darling, Dumpling, Angel Dear

I loved you more than life itself
I prayed for you each day
And when you came all pink and warm
I gave my heart away

I couldn't bear to lose you
But I couldn't keep you fed
I couldn't be the mom you'd need
So I picked one out instead

I trusted her to do for you
What I couldn't do alone
So I kissed your cheek and bid you well
And gave my heart a home

I know that someday you will see
The love that held me tight
To know you had all I could give
And know that I did right

And so I listen still, my heart
Not nine months but all year
And know you know I love you so
You're still my Angel Dear

The following article was emailed to me this morning which is what got me thinking about all of this in the first place. I didn’t even know until last year that there is a “Birthmother’s Day” the day before Mother’s Day, but to me it just feels a little wrong, just one more way to say that we aren’t really mother’s even though our hearts tell us we are. I hope that if you know anyone who is a birthmother, that you will recognize her this Mother’s Day, Birthmother’s Day if you’d like, but I’d suggest actually doing it on Mother’s Day to let her know that she’s not forgotten.

Mother's Day tinged with sadness for birthmoms


Andee said...

isn't it the best poem ever?? I love it! I don't mind you linking to me by the way :)you don't HAVE to though

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much Desi.Pretty kind poem indeed.I like the wordings n the affection involved.Wish you n all in advance a joyful Mom's day.

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Heather said...

I remember the first time someone wished me a happy Mother's Day after I had placed my baby for adoption. I was surprised, but it felt nice to have someone say it. My parents never did, as they felt that she wasn't my baby, get over it. Are people really that stupid and unfeeling to think this is something you forget? I always make it a point to tell the mothers I know that have gone through placing a baby for adoption happy Mother's Day, because they are a mother. Just wish society would open their eyes and see that.

Ixchelle said...

A few years ago a friend of mine had a still born (her fisrt child) after being pregnant for almost 9 months. A year later on Mother's Day, I felt impressed to go over her house and give her flowers and say Happy Mother's Day. I was nervous but I am so glad that I did because she really appreciated it. This just reminds me that you are the Mother no matter what happens to your child. I am so glad you told me about birthmom day, I will not forget this day.

Kristin said...

Until I got Baylie, I hated Mother's Day. It was painful and I felt like a failure. I've been thinking a lot about Baylie's birthmom. I wish we had a relationship with her. Thanks to her, I now look forward to this day. But it's still tinged with sadness as I think of other infertile women, women who have miscarried and now mothers who have placed for adoption. I just learned about Birth Mother's day today and I'm planning on going to an activity for it tomorrow. I can't imagine how it feels to place a baby for adoption, but I do know that I would have never been a mother without a birthmom that was willing to share her baby with me. It's such a complex relationship. I hope you are able to meet your son someday.